i miss you.

I miss you; where are you? I keep looking in all the familiar places: my heart, my mind, my music, my dance… What is maddening and disconcerting is that I feel you everywhere, all the time, and yet you are not here. Periodically you have emerged from the ether…and even more occasionally, I have reached out to you…but mostly I just feel your energy and wonder if I am indeed going crazy. I distract myself, refocus, reprioritize. I look and feel under the surface of what I perceive is a feeling of longing for you and transmute it into how I long for the deeper parts of myself to come to the surface. So I go spelunking, deep sea diving into the void of myself…or probably more accurately, what lies beyond myself…and attempt to find peace of mind and deeper wholeness. Yet through all this, I still feel you…the echo of you will not leave no matter how far or deep I travel. I hear your voice, feel your energy, and as I move toward it, I am more myself and beyond myself at once. I love you from this deep, dark part of myself that at times I hardly know. She calls to me like a siren song, asking me to go deeper and trust. Her siren song is a response to your being…she calls out to you and me simultaneously. She asks me to surrender to the depth of feeling I have most of all.

mermaid painting by John William Waterhouse, 1901